What Doesn’t Kill Me Gives Me Scars

Posted on October 18, 2010 by vanderbiltwife

I have this thing about stretch marks.

I think they should be reserved for women who have been skinny all their lives and then get pregnant. For those of us where that’s not the case, we probably already have some non-baby stretch marks hanging around, thankyouverymuch.

With Libbie, I didn’t get any stretch marks until I was at least 35 weeks. I was sure I had evaded the horror. And then they broke out like a rash on my lower abdomen. It made me cry.

There has already been an outbreak of new stretch marks on my belly this go-around. I am fairly sure Baby David is going to be 14 pounds coming out, as much as he pushes and shoves and tries to make more room, and as big as I am already. I am in waddling mode.

The new stretch marks make me want to cry every bit as much as the old ones … but I am too busy sleeping and chasing a toddler to have time to cry.

There are so many other things I consider “wrong” with my body that I don’t know why these little pale lines bother me so much. But I obsess. I poke. I prod. I rub on cocoa butter.

And then I say things to my husband like, “Are you sure you’ll still love me when I deflate and still have all these nasty marks all over my belly?”

He is flabbergasted, because he cannot imagine what’s going through my mind. He looks me in the eye and says, “I will always love you.”

I believe him. I knew I loved that man.

Does everyone have their own pregnant obsession? One change that bothers them above all else? Or is it just me?

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Obsession

Posted on June 20, 2009 by vanderbiltwife

Due to vacation, I’m going to have a few “reruns” here this week as well as some compilation posts.

I’ve realized recently–in the last year or so–that I have a hard time becoming involved in something without being obsessive. For me, this is crocheting, cooking, writing, music, thought processed…pretty much anything. One of my most recent examples is Paperbackswap. I joined this online book trading club in September 2006, intending to get rid of some of my books I’ve read and didn’t really want to read again, and get some books I haven’t read yet. I am a bit of a voracious reader but I’ve always had trouble getting books back to the library on time so I thought it would be great for me.

Well, a little over a year later, I have 150 books I haven’t read sitting in my house. I have found myself going to bookstores just to buy books to post on PBS–not even to read first! I read things I might not even want to read just to participate in swaps or challenges on the message boards. It’s kind of astonishing to me! I’ve tried to make myself stop recently, and I am trying to only read what I truly want to. But it’s been a fun addiction.

Despite the disarray of my house, I am a perfectionist and oldest child in many ways. If I am going to do something, I want to be the best. I am constantly battling my psyche that says Everything has to be perfect or no one will like you. I spent a lot of years with social anxiety, thinking that everyone disliked me at first sight and only if they proved otherwise might they even be indifferent towards me. Never mind the fact I can think of one person ever who I know truly disliked me. It just must be true because I thought it was.

I think my battle with losing weight has always been that for some reason I can’t get myself into the obsession about it, and I don’t know why. And then if I can’t be perfect, I get frustrated and want to stop. It’s time for a new frame of mind, don’t you think? My new decision is baby steps. One foot in front of the other. One choice at a time. For everything in my life, hopefully!

Originally published December 3, 2007

Two Percent for Looking in the Mirror Twice

Posted on June 10, 2009 by vanderbiltwife

My long-lived romance with musicals began in eighth grade.

I was in French 1 and completely, 100% one of the teacher’s pets (100% was, coincidentally, also my average in that class, I think). When Mademoiselle asked if anyone wanted to go to see Les Miserables off-Broadway at The Mosque (now The Landmark Theater), I was definitely interested. She gave us a two-page summary of the story and told us to dress well for the theater.

If you’re familiar with Les Mis, you know two pages cannot possibly follow all the amazing, heart-wrenching story lines. I cried every. single. time someone died that first time. Afterward, I craved Les Mis. I listened to the tape of the soundtrack for weeks. I explained every scene to my sister in between songs.

During high school, I had the privilege of ushering at several shows in Richmond (like Grease–so when I finally saw the movie I was way confused. The show is quite different). My mom and I snagged incredible tickets to Man of La Mancha with Robert Goulet from a rich benefactor. One of my best friends acted in the musicals at the local high school, so that added four more to my exposure.

Outside the theater where we saw Les Mis in NYC. Ashley and I were trying to look angry, I guess!

My parents took me to New York City for my 18th birthday. We ate at Windows on the World (sniff) and went to see Les Mis on Broadway. Amazing.

In college, I was introduced to songs from RENT, Jekyll and Hyde, and The Scarlet Pimpernel by my Michelle. We had several songs from RENT memorized to the point where we could each sing a part (Michelle usually had to be the boy or whoever cursed more, because I don’t curse). We went to see Anything Goes, HMS Pinafore, and Gypsy at school.

Mr. V and I went to see Les Mis in Richmond for our first-year dating anniversary. And my musical obssession has only been enhanced by four years of season tickets to a local theater in Franklin.

All of this to say: I don’t know what it is. The stories? The emotion-filled music? The fact that for years my heart so longed to be there on stage, singing, but my acting skills left a little too much to be desired? I know what drew me so into Les Mis was I felt so much like an Eponine! I guess it’s the same thing that makes us passionate about music, art, movies–there’s always something to relate to, the themes are eternal, and it arouses something spiritual within us.

When I sang in the Broadway Revue at church for two years, I felt complete exhileration, nothing quite like I’ve ever felt before. The only bad thing about having Libbie when I did was that I was WAY too tired to do it this year, not to mention working full-time with a three-month-old. But it broke my heart not to be able to be in it.

With my new Sirius radio, I’ve been listening to the “On Broadway” station nonstop. I love hearing songs from musicals I’ve never heard of, ones I love, and ones I sang in the Broadway Revue.

Maybe it’s a bad thing that these songs stir my soul so. Maybe it means it’s not being stirred enough by other things? But then again, maybe it’s just how God made me. Maybe it is a perfect puzzle piece in my life, something He will use for good.

Thanks for letting me ramble. Now, I have to know: do you know what the heck I’m talking about? If so, what’s your favorite musical?

Can’t Keep My Eyes off You

Posted on January 24, 2008 by vanderbiltwife

If you have read about my total infatuation with the movie 10 Things I Hate about You, I am sure you know how struck and sad I am about the death of Heath Ledger. While he was in some crappy movies (A Knight’s Tale, being the exceptional example), I thought he was a great actor and so incredibly handsome to boot. He was 28, which is only 3 years older than me (I always thought he was older than that. In 10 Things he seemed like one of those 29-year-olds who was playing a 17-year-old, and that was in 1999). I’m not Princess-Diana kind of heartbroken, but I do think Hollywood lost a great star and someone with potential to make great films. (I was reading my diaries the other night from when I was 15, and I really was pretty sick over Di dying. More to come on diary revelations later.) (Sorry for the excessive use of parentheses in this entry.)
In reading about Heath Ledger, I came across a list of other actors who died in their 20s. Of course, there was Brad Renfro who died just last week–is this some sort of epidemic? Who I was really surprised to see on the list was Jonathan Brandis. I don’t even remember what I liked him from, but I specifically remember having a short-lived obsession with him when I was about 11. My next-door neighbor and I wrote him a fan letter and he wrote us back with signed pictures and a letter-length ad for his upcoming show, SeaQuest DSV, which premiered in 1993. The only other thing I know I’ve seen from his filmography list on imdb is The Neverending Story II, so maybe that was the root of obsession. Anyway, finding out he killed himself in 2003 was a second blow to my childhood fantasies! I guess I was too busy being an English major at the time to hear about it.

Now I really want to watch The Neverending Story movies. And not think about how I could easily die in my 20s too, and then worry about if I’ve wasted my 25 years.

Legen …. dary

Posted on January 22, 2008 by vanderbiltwife

I think at some point this weekend we realized how insanely obsessed we are in our household with the TV show “How I Met Your Mother.” As far as I know, no one over 30 thinks this show is remotely funny. We think it’s incredibly hilarious.

HIMYM, as we true fans call it (Mr. V and I say him-yim), is the story of five twenty-somethings in New York. The story claims to be about how Ted meets his wife, and is told in a series of flashbacks as future Ted (voice of Bob Saget) tells the tales to his bored teenage children. In three seasons, we have yet to see the mother but it’s been a lot of fun. I am dying for the writer’s strike to be over so we can have some new episodes!!!

So Mr. V and I decided to play the HIMYM trivia on a facebook group. I think we started Saturday. We now each have more than 10,000 points–that’s 10 points per correct question. Hmmm … can we say giant waste of time and procrastination tool?? But then we also keep going, “Hey, what episode is that from?” and pull out the DVDs and watch it (again).

We’re sick.

Please, please, PUH-LEASE writers, come back from strike!!!

Obsession

Posted on December 3, 2007 by vanderbiltwife

For some reason when I was coughing my lungs out of my body at 4:30 this morning I was also thinking about a blog post. These thoughts have really been brewing for some time, just time to get them out in writing!

Obsessions

Posted on October 12, 2007 by vanderbiltwife

As I see it, I have three main activities outside of God and church.

1. Crochet. This is the pile in the corner of my office:

It’s a serious obsession. I crochet every day during at least one of my breaks at work, and often at home. I love seeing things come together, making yarn into nifty doodads and pretty things like baby sweaters.

2. Books. Perhaps my most serious and costly obsession. I don’t have a picture but Mr. V will attest to the fact that there is a pile of over a 100 books sitting in our bedroom waiting for me to read them, as well as more on our bookcase downstairs (which we majorly need another bookshelf!). He is a former bookaholic too, mostly old books, which we have a lot of. I wish he would get back into reading more so I would not feel so alone in my bibliophilia tendencies!

#3 is cooking. I have always loved to cook. My mom isn’t crazy about it, and often in high school I would make dinner when I got home from school, when she worked full time. I would love to do culinary school, except I am afraid I am a little too banal in my tastes (and money, and I really don’t want to work, etc). But I love to see things comes together and I looove watching cooking shows. Top Chef is a recent obsession of mine (it’s over now! No!).