To: All those who will be visiting my house in the near future
Dear Concerned Party,
I am glad you have found the time to visit my humble home. I thought I should provide you with the following information.
I will not be cooking. I will not be cleaning. The house will be full of dog hair and crumbs and Kool-Aid residue. I will probably be sleeping on the couch for the duration of your stay, including your waking hours. I hope you will not find this offensive.
Adam knows where the local Pizza Hut and Kroger are.
And if you eat my Doritos, prepare to die a cruel and painful death.